October 2012

today i get extra credit in my span 1010 class if i dress up and can tell the class what i am...in spanish.

i picked this dress up at a little thrift shop in slc.

it's a vintage disco dress from the 70's and i got a discount because some of the sequins had fallen off.

i def think i'm seeing a trend here.

everything i'm buying lately resembles this getup.
i LOVE sequins and sparkle.



HAPPY HALLOWEEN!



Soy bailarina de disco!

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Wednesday, October 31

i finally got around to using a canon that actually worked...and now that i know it works i'm going to be more careful and take more interesting pictures and take better care to set the shutter speed correctly so i don't have so many crappy, dark pictures.

it took so long to get m to turn around so i could take this.

another crappy, dark one of k

and of e!

this is where i sleep




 
pretty k

breton doing my math for me
what a sweetie

our apt is so full of punkins
it is so ridiculous

the ugliest

focus on the feet



this is what a halloween party looks like


this is what morning looks like



baby brother



light leak


this happened.

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Tuesday, October 30

hope y'all are ready for it.

i just made a really exciting purchase.

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Friday, October 26

someone told me something the other day that i think may change my whole entire life.

maybe not immediately.

but at least now i will be thinking about it.

hopefully i will be able to keep that kind of mindset.




i am so bad at telling people that i love my "negative" feelings.  i don't want them to think that i am trying to change who they are. i don't want them to think that i am trying to guilt trip them.

i don't want them to stop loving me back.


but really these feelings that i feel are bad, can actually be really great. you can attack the problem without attacking the person.

and i think there's kind of a fine line in between the two, and its our job as human beings that interact with one another to find out what that line is.

and to stay on the right side of it.

the side that may not help your pride, but it will help everybody involved.




"you never need to apologize for sharing your feelings or concerns. never ever."




nobody has ever told me that before.

i've always had the mindset that any feelings i have about when i don't like the way someone is acting, is none of my business. that even though it made me unhappy, it would make EVERYBODY unhappy if i let them know how i felt.

so, yeah.


constructive criticism is exactly that. constructive. it builds relationships. it doesn't let things fester and grow ugly weeds all around it.

and sometimes, all you need to do is just say it, know that the other person heard what you said, and move on. sometimes that's all it takes to get over something.
sometimes it is that easy.

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Thursday, October 25

kacy and i went shopping today and i got these rad earrings.

and i got some fun rings for my short chubby munchkin fingers.

and a fun shirt! but i'm not wearing that right now and i think it would be too hard to get a decent picture of it.


yes, i am still alive.

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Wednesday, October 24

life is fetching scary, guys.


no, really.
it is.



there are so many reasons for each of us to want to think this is as good as it's going to get.

or there's no use in trying anymore; you've already worked so hard and there is nothing to show for it.


or maybe you realize that where you want to be is so far from where you are.
and the thought that maybe you have to get there someday is so over-whelming.

crippling, maybe.


"maybe that's the reason so-and-so will never be able to fully love me", you'll tell yourself.

"because i don't even know myself well enough to love myself."





i've been thinking a lot about love lately.

what does it mean?

what does it/does it not constitute.



and how do you decide...how do you decide which love to give your all to? how do you decide to invest everything you have into another human being that has feelings all of their own and can make their own decisions that may or may not line up with yours?

how do you decide when that is worth it?



things i cannot control
how others react to me being open with them
the weather
my work schedule (boo)
how much love others are willing to accept
the decisions of others
the lord's timing

things i can control
how i react to others being open with me
how much i love and if i choose to share that love
how organized i am
how punctual i am
how studious i am
the spirit in my life
my reaction when things do not go as planned





i am in charge of the decisions i make.
i am in charge of the life i have.

it is up to me to decide whether or not i want to take the advice of someone who has gone through and felt exactly what i am going through.

i think that sounds like a pretty good idea, yeah?

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Sunday, October 21

If one happens to land near you it will usually linger just long enough to capture it. If you look at it and talk about it and make plans for it in the future it will usually just fly off to someone that's ready right now.

butterflies and metaphors

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Wednesday, October 17

breton helps me with math basically every night.

and sneaking this picture made me giggle really hard for some reason.


i clearly was unsuccessful.


this song breaks my heart and makes it whole all at once.

all i want to do is sing this with a boy and realize that we were meant for something so much bigger than this world.

and we would fall in love.

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Monday, October 15



first off, everybody needs to go pick up a copy of brené brown's book "daring greatly".

the book is about vulnerability and how letting yourself be seen by those you love is not only horrifyingly scary, but also necessary.

in her book she tells a story that i have found myself relating to more and more lately.

it is about a jar of marbles.
brown's daughter's teacher has a jar of marbles in her classroom. if the class is being good collectively, she throws a few marbles in. if the class is being rowdy and unresponsive, she takes marbles out. as soon as the marbles reach the top of the jar, the class gets a party.

brown related this to trust. when we connect with somebody (whether it be a parent, a spouse, a potential friend, a boyfriend, etc...) we put a marble in their jar. sometimes you connect on a really deep level, and a lot of marbles get put in, in a short amount of time, or maybe it is just kind words here and there that slowly but surely get marbles in the jar.

trust is built one marble at a time.


brown then goes on to tell a story that one of her colleagues shared with her after she shared the marble jar theory with him. john gottman is his name and he is a world famous relationship expert. (i think i would hate to date/marry a relationship expert. that sounds awful.)
the story goes something like this:



"through my studies i have noticed that the most important moments in relationships are what i like to call 'sliding door moments'.
in any interaction that you ever have, there is the possibility of connecting with your partner, or turning away from your partner.
one night, i really wanted to finish a great book that i had been reading. i got all ready for bed, and with book in hand, i started heading for my bed. as i walked past the bathroom, i saw my wife's face in the mirror. she looked sad as she brushed her hair.


this was a sliding door moment.


i could either pretend like i didn't see her, think that i didn't want to deal with her sadness tonight, and read my book (easy. simple enough to do). or i could postpone finding out who the killer in my murder mystery was, put my own desires aside, and talk and connect with her. see how i could help her day end on a good note.

i could put a marble in her jar.

which is what i did.
one such moment is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship -- very gradually, very slowly, very painfully."



both of these stories really got me thinking. when we think of betrayal in terms of the marble jar metaphor, we generally think about somebody doing something so awful that causes us to smash their jar on the ground.

he cheated on me with my best friend
he chooses someone over me
he uses my vulnerability against me

although those are all valid reasons for demolishing someone's jar of trust, they are not the most common.

the most common moments when trust is taken away is what brown likes to call moments of "disengagement". disengagement happens when someone that we love, and/or someone that is supposed to love us (a parent, a spouse, a best friend) simply chooses not to care.

or what we view as not caring.

we put everybody in our lives into roles.

our fathers are supposed to provide for us.
our mothers are supposed to nurture us.
our girlfriends are supposed to be there when we have heartache.
our partners are supposed to take care of us.
our partners are supposed to make us feel loved.

and when these people aren't fulfilling their "roles" in your eyes, it causes you to take out marbles.


one

at

a

time



and i think that this is the most painful way. sometimes you aren't able to justify why you feel that somebody should be doing something, when they aren't. sometimes the other person doesn't see how much they are hurting you.
and THAT even causes you pain.


this has made me think a lot about how many marbles i have put into the people of my life's jars.

this has made me think about the people that i have caused to take out my marbles because i chose to be selfish and think of myself first. that caused disengagement and pain.

that's what selfishness does.

the most frustrating of it all, though? is the process of putting them back in. this is the part of patience. this is the part that, other than choosing to make connections instead of turning away, it is up to the other person to decide how reciprocable they are going to be. you cannot force marbles into your own jar.

at this point, it is up to the ones that you have hurt.

all you can really do is be kind, and pray that they have a soft and forgiving heart.




everybody needs to go read this book. 

jar of marbles

today was nice.
i went to normal church for the first time in five weeks.
it felt very strange at first.

E and i baked potatoes for the munch n mingle.
we are so serviceable.

there's this girl in my ward who has a kid named addy.
she is two.
and adorable.
and so blonde.

i love blonde babies.

anyways, addy walked up to me in relief society (obviously because it's a single's ward there isn't much demand for a primary program so addy just goes to all of the classes with her mom) and started talking to me and wanted me to draw her pictures, so we were doing that together for awhile. then it became obvious that she was never taught how to whisper, so i took her out in the hall so her mom could be in relief society and not have to worry about anything.

because that's what you do.
that's what i was always taught, anyways. (thanks, mom.)
if a mom needs a break from her loud kids, you go help her out.
i cannot tell you how many times while i was growing up my mom would whisper to me, "sister so and so's over-whelmed with her bajillion children. go sit by them and keep them occupied."

so anyways, i always grew up thinking that that's just how the church hierarchy works. mom needs a break and a little help sometimes. the church is centered around service anyways, right?

and it never occurred to me, until today, that that is not everybody's first response. i had a few people come up to me that commented on it, and how nice it was of me, and i thought that was really stupid. because i was just doing what i thought you were supposed to do.
either way, i am glad i got to help out. and sometimes it is a lot more fun to draw ghosts and spiders and bad guys that drink coffee than it is to go to relief society. :P

than my good friend Tim came all the way from price to spend some time with me. we made some really delicious dinner, we swapped stories,and i tried to get him to eat the rest of my oreos, but he wouldn't.
then we went to the church and played through some of our old fave songs. that what tim and i do. we sing. and it was great. i missed him a lot.
then we went and visited kacy for like 10 minutes because we had to race back to my apartment and watch the season premiere of the walking dead! and it was awesome.
then we sat and talked to my roommates for awhile and then smashed pumpkins and laughed and were happy.

i swear every single night, my roommates and i sit up talking for  at least 2-3 hours. i love them all dearly to bits and pieces. it is so incredible to me how much i have come to love these girls. i would do anything for any of them. we have become the cutest, most supportive family here in c103.

they have helped me through one of the hardest times in my life, and that was when i barely even knew them. sometimes i wonder if i would have connected with them as much as i have if i wasn't constantly in a crisis that required love and support from them. i'm really glad that i have had this time to be able to bond with them.

i have a really hard time with letting people in. but because this has been such a vulnerable time for me, and i needed somebody to talk to, it was so easy. at no other point in my life would i have been able to connect with these girls the way i have been able to this past month. and i wouldn't've wanted it any other way now that i look back. these are friendships that i know will last a life-time.

i am so blessed.





bedhead

Posted on

Saturday, October 13

this morning, two of the rooms and i made breakfast together.
at like...noon.
E made the eggs.
M made the pancakes.
and yep.

you guessed it.

i provided and made the bacon.


i love all of my friends so much.
this past month has been such a growing experience for me.
i have had to completely rearrange my comfort zone.
i have had to rely on the lord and my own know-how more than ever.

i am blessed.
sometimes all i can really do to explain how i feel, is show you this quote:

"It is easy to forget how perfectly life works out. When you are down, you believe that things never work in your favor. But if you look back, you see that in many cases, things happened exactly the way they needed to."

and that's how i feel right now.
i feel so alive in ways that i never thought existed.
i have been able to do so many fun, crazy things.
i have been able to be my own person.
i have been able to find out what i want as an individual.

if you told me that i would feel the way i feel right now, three weeks ago, i would've told you to shut up and leave me alone with my giant bowl of ice cream.
...i'm pretty sure that happened, actually.

there's also this really awesome lady that does research on vulnerability.
you can find it here.

it's really interesting.
and more than that, it is eye opening.

M bought her book.
i'm really excited to read it when she's done with it.
for now, i just have to be complacent with the parts that M thinks are really interesting that she randomly shares with me.

anyways....
God is great, and i love him.
it's really important to let others see who you really are.
i honestly don't think i've ever let anybody see that before.
i'm really excited to see where: opening up, and letting go of expectations, and knowing that i, and everybody around me, deserves love, takes me.

good morning

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Thursday, October 11

drink master M with the first drink of the night.

we quickly graduated to something more exciting.

this one was really gross. but really pretty!

ask me to make you a lemon-lime margarita sometime.
i got really good at it.
and it ended up being one of my two favourite drinks.

this was not a fun party to clean up.

favourite drink number two.
i made at least 4 of these even after everybody left.

and i made one for E!
happy birthday!

E's 21st birthday week continued.

and happy fall!

Happy Birthday, E!!

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Wednesday, October 10

sometimes you think you might like a boy.
and then he says something.

not something that is bad.
not something that should make you stop thinking that you might like him.

...but that's exactly what it does.

it's just that you don't want to like a boy that says those things.


poor kid, never even had a chance.

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Monday, October 8


i used to think this school was really ugly.
it's safe to say that i have completely changed my mind.

srsly, though.
look at this place.
sometimes, hermione is the first thing anybody sees when they look out the front door.

M made the yummiest iced coffee for the rooms that didn't have any actual coffee in it.
AND I TOOK OUT MY SWEATERS!
and L made me a real life blonde again.
and...i'm still a creep.

...and i look really pregnant in this picture.

 

random catch up




this very accurately sums up my whole evening.

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Wednesday, October 3

today was kind of uneventful, but i love finding extraordinary things out of the average things.

so that's what i'm going to do.


i took a spanish test today and don't even feel too awful about how i did. it's definitely not cien por ciento, but i feel good about it being a passing grade.

i got am officially all caught up on my homework...except for my span homework, which i am going to do when i am finished on here.(:

a girl from my yoga class talked to me all the way from the studio to the bus stop. that was nice. sometimes some fresh human interaction is good for the soul.

i went to fhe and actually got some physical activity. i thought i was going to die, and M tore a ligament, so we went home early.
not before we stole some capri sun, though.

M went with me to wally world even though she was so hobbly and broken.

i now have food to eat! yay!

kacy and robin came over to say hi because they were at wally and i live over in that vicinity. it was fun because robin knew a few people that went on the same mission as k and m so they talked for a long time about that.

kacy asked me how things were with a boy that i've gone on a few dates with...and i didn't know what to say. they were fine. not great, but not bad. then kacy and i talked for a few minutes about how much it sucks when there is absolutely nothing super wrong with a guy...and you can't find a reason not to like him...but you just don't. 
i thought that was a really interesting concept.
sometimes on paper everything looks great, but it all really comes down to chemistry. and so far...there is none with this boy. he's got one more date to prove me wrong!


(thanks bekah's aaron for the advice that you should give a boy three chances, and if nothing clicks after that, then you are free to write him off as future love-interest.)

i went home this past weekend and cody gave me a book to read called The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

it's mostly about a boy (charlie) that is going through high school. he has a really great hold on reality and plans silly things about his future. i feel like charlie and i are a lot alike, except for he is a boy. and he also doesn't have the sense of what is wrong or right like i do, so he does a lot of things that i would never do. and it makes me sad to think that maybe there are a lot of 14 year old kids going to parties and accidentally eating special brownies and knowing too much about how...certain things work.

and that's probably true.

that's probably what happens everywhere else.

anyways, while i'm reading this, i've been underlining quotes that i love, so i will be sharing them on here while i progress through the book so i have somewhere to find them if i ever want/need to.



"it would be very nice to have a friend again. i would like that more than a date."



"'i mean it's not like in the movies where girls like jerks or anything like that. it's not that easy. they just like anybody that can give them a purpose. 
girls like guys to be a challenge. it gives them some mold to fit in how they act.
the funny thing is that some girls think they can actually change guys. and what's funny is that if they actually did change them, they'd get bored. they'd have no challenge left.. you just have to give girls some time to think of a new way of doing things, that's all. some of them will figure it out here. some of them later. i wouldn't worry about it too much.'
but i did worry about it. i've been worrying about it ever since he told me. i look at people holding hands in the hallways, and i try to think about how it all works. at the school dances, i sit in the background, and i tap my toe, and i wonder how many couples will dance to "their song". in the hallways, i see the girls wearing the guys' jackets, and i think about the idea of property. and i wonder if anyone is really happy. i hope they are.
i really hope they are"


"'he's my whole world.'
'don't say that about anyone again. not even me.' that was her mom saying that."


"not everyone has a sob story, charlie. and even if they do, it's no excuse.


"i just think it's bad when a boy looks at a girl and thinks that the way he sees the girl is better than the girl actually is."


i like this book a lot.

"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve."

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Monday, October 1