first off, everybody needs to go pick up a copy of brené brown's book "daring greatly".
the book is about vulnerability and how letting yourself be seen by those you love is not only horrifyingly scary, but also necessary.
in her book she tells a story that i have found myself relating to more and more lately.
it is about a jar of marbles.
brown's daughter's teacher has a jar of marbles in her classroom. if the class is being good collectively, she throws a few marbles in. if the class is being rowdy and unresponsive, she takes marbles out. as soon as the marbles reach the top of the jar, the class gets a party.
brown related this to trust. when we connect with somebody (whether it be a parent, a spouse, a potential friend, a boyfriend, etc...) we put a marble in their jar. sometimes you connect on a really deep level, and a lot of marbles get put in, in a short amount of time, or maybe it is just kind words here and there that slowly but surely get marbles in the jar.
trust is built one marble at a time.
brown then goes on to tell a story that one of her colleagues shared with her after she shared the marble jar theory with him. john gottman is his name and he is a world famous relationship expert. (i think i would hate to date/marry a relationship expert. that sounds awful.)
the story goes something like this:
"through my studies i have noticed that the most important moments in relationships are what i like to call 'sliding door moments'.
in any interaction that you ever have, there is the possibility of connecting with your partner, or turning away from your partner.
one night, i really wanted to finish a great book that i had been reading. i got all ready for bed, and with book in hand, i started heading for my bed. as i walked past the bathroom, i saw my wife's face in the mirror. she looked sad as she brushed her hair.
this was a sliding door moment.
i could either pretend like i didn't see her, think that i didn't want to deal with her sadness tonight, and read my book (easy. simple enough to do). or i could postpone finding out who the killer in my murder mystery was, put my own desires aside, and talk and connect with her. see how i could help her day end on a good note.
i could put a marble in her jar.
which is what i did.
one such moment is not that important, but if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship -- very gradually, very slowly, very painfully."
both of these stories really got me thinking. when we think of betrayal in terms of the marble jar metaphor, we generally think about somebody doing something so awful that causes us to smash their jar on the ground.
he cheated on me with my best friend
he chooses someone over me
he uses my vulnerability against me
although those are all valid reasons for demolishing someone's jar of trust, they are not the most common.
the most common moments when trust is taken away is what brown likes to call moments of "disengagement". disengagement happens when someone that we love, and/or someone that is supposed to love us (a parent, a spouse, a best friend) simply chooses not to care.
or what we view as not caring.
we put everybody in our lives into roles.
our fathers are supposed to provide for us.
our mothers are supposed to nurture us.
our girlfriends are supposed to be there when we have heartache.
our partners are supposed to take care of us.
our partners are supposed to make us feel loved.
and when these people aren't fulfilling their "roles" in your eyes, it causes you to take out marbles.
one
at
a
time
and i think that this is the most painful way. sometimes you aren't able to justify why you feel that somebody should be doing something, when they aren't. sometimes the other person doesn't see how much they are hurting you.
and THAT even causes you pain.
this has made me think a lot about how many marbles i have put into the people of my life's jars.
this has made me think about the people that i have caused to take out my marbles because i chose to be selfish and think of myself first. that caused disengagement and pain.
that's what selfishness does.
the most frustrating of it all, though? is the process of putting them back in. this is the part of patience. this is the part that, other than choosing to make connections instead of turning away, it is up to the other person to decide how reciprocable they are going to be. you cannot force marbles into your own jar.
at this point, it is up to the ones that you have hurt.
all you can really do is be kind, and pray that they have a soft and forgiving heart.
everybody needs to go read this book.