i have something to say that is long over due & other things to say that aren't, but are still important.
my senior year of high school was incredibly difficult for me. i mean incredibly. the beginning of every year was always a little hard because i always had friends that had just graduated & weren't there anymore, but senior year was especially hard. i had literally one close friend that i was still in school (shout out, bekah j!!) i wasn't happy with the person i was. i made a lot of mistakes. i was incredibly, incredibly lonely and thirsted for the friendships i had my three previous years of high school. the guy i was dating wasn't there either, so it made it just that much easier for me to feel as though there was near no reason for me to be there.
if you knew me then, you will also know that i was not really a very pleasant person to be around. i had lost my humour, i was grumpy, i was tired & i did NOT want to be there. so...sorry, freshman of '12. you knew me at my worst. unfortunately this caused me to burn a lot of bridges with some really cool people, but what's done is done & i'm not going to burden myself with "what might have beens".
i bring all of this up for a reason. some time during the second semester of my senior year, something really cool happened that has meant way more to me over the past few years than i think it was really ever intended to.
my last period of the day was show choir. i was collecting my things and trying to leave as quickly as possible because i hated everybody (and vice versa) & even if people did want to talk to me, i definitely didn't want to talk to them. as i went to pick up my school bag, i had noticed that someone slipped something into it. a box of one of my favourite candies! i remember it well. charleston chews. that wasn't the part that's stuck with me through the years, though. next to the candies, was a letter.
my name was written beautifully on the front with purple pen. i opened it to see two short paragraphs typed & signed at the bottom "anonymous". the letter talked about how much this person admired me. they gave me compliments that i know i didn't deserve in that dark time. it spoke of god's love for me specifically. it spoke of how someday someone will find me and treat me exactly how i deserve to be treated: like a daughter of God.
"Don't ever think you are not good enough to be happy"
"Whatever you do, don't settle for less than you deserve. Ashtyn, you are strong and independent, but you don't have to carry all burdens by yourself."
i cannot even begin to fathom explaining how much that short, beautiful, & incredibly personal letter means to me. i know that God whispered to this person what to write in this letter. whoever you are, you are such an instrument for good. i have kept this letter with me throughout the 4 moves i've made since then. i read it regularly to remind myself that God loves me so much that even though i was not a very good person to his other beloved children, he still wanted ME to know just how much he loves ME. He did that through someone that i will never be able to personally thank. i hope that you are reading this post.
...
pt. 2
the past 5 months have been incredibly difficult & enlightening for me. sometimes the enlightenment is what made it difficult. i've had to make decisions that i never imagined making. i've had to reflect on who i am as a person & who i am aspiring to be. i've made incredible friends, lost incredible friends, & gained different incredible friends. i've felt a lot of pain. at times i was the loneliest i could remember being in my entire life.
more than anything, i realized that i had this, wall, blockage, call it what you will. there was something in my mind & in my heart that prevented me from feeling love. whether it be from my family, from acquaintances, to my very closest friends, & even from God. i mean, yeah i know that people "love" me, but what does that really even mean if you can't feel it?
this is a trial that my Heavenly Father bestowed upon me. it isn't anything that i would wish upon anyone, but at the same time it took me on a journey that has changed the course of my life. i've studied my scriptures harder & prayed harder than i ever thought possible. on my path to gaining a deeper understanding of God's love & the love i deserve to have for myself, i have been able to feel that for the people around me. the more love i feel for others, the more i have been able to feel from others.
anyway, i say all of this because today, God did his favourite thing to do for me, once again. when i got home from a work meeting today, there was a box of girl scout cookies & a letter attached to them waiting for me. this one was signed "a friend". once again, it spoke of God's undying love for me. once again, i was reminded that God has never and will never forsake me. He is so aware of my trials, desires, & needs. i was once again reminded of just how blessed i really am with the people & places in my life. my entire life i have been saying that God knew that i wouldn't be able to make it through this life without the incredible examples i have daily. i have a hard time comprehending how blessed & lucky i am to have had the choice spirits in my life that i have.
so thank you, friend. thank you so much for acting on a prompting from the spirit. thank you for being worthy of being an instrument in the Lord's hands. i am eternally grateful for whomever you are.
i'm going to end this forever long post now with a quote that my good friend Elder Ramos sent me the other week that really helped me through a rough patch. President Monson says it best:
"Relief Society is made up of a variety of women. There are those of you who are single--perhaps in school, perhaps working--yet forging a full and rich life. Some of you are busy mothers of growing children. Still others of you have lost your husbands because of divorce or death and are struggling to raise your children without the help of a husband and father. Some of you have raised your children but have realized that their need for your help is ongoing. There are many of you who have aging parents who require the loving care only you can give.
Wherever we are in life, there are times when all of us have challenges and struggles. Although they are different for each, they are common to all.
Many of the challenges we face exist because we live in this mortal world, populated by all manner of individuals. At times we ask in desperation, “How can I keep my sights firmly fixed on the celestial as I navigate through this telestial world?”
There will be times when you will walk a path strewn with thorns and marked by struggle. There may be times when you feel detached--even isolated--from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith...."
"...My dear sisters, your Heavenly Father loves you--each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love.
It is simply always there."